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16 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE MARCH 19, 1993

PSYCHED OUT

I'm not really gay

by Mike Radice

Rest easy. I'm not about to denounce my homosexuality. I'm 100 percent pure gay, and have no desire for a transformation into the straight world. This column is about how others perceive my gayness and yours. It is a story about a closet door made of thick glass, locked from the outside by a latchless deadbolt, permitting many of us to look out, but not come out. It is a story about the absurdity of absolutely correct thinking.

For me, creeping out of the closet in 1987 while living in Toledo was like being escorted into a huge ballroom by an invisible guardian angel, expecting a huge party, but finding the room to be void of guests,

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music, munchies, or even furniture. At that time there was little in Toledo for gays to do beyond the bars. I did eventually manage to hook into a small group of gay men for support, visited a couple of bars, and even found a store that carried the Advocate. There were no openly gay people to model in Toledo in 1987. Learning about what it meant to be gay was done by word of mouth, via the Advocate, or by the seat-ofyour-pants.

When I came out, I assumed that there was a gay lifestyle to learn about, as that was what I had been told by the media and my church. I assumed that in addition to being attracted to my own gender, there were some ubiquitous cultural components that came with being gay. As do many of us

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when we first come out, I went searching for what I was supposed to do as a gay person.

While searching for the definition of the "gay life," I learned that there was a cultural code expected of gay people. The code included regular appearances at the bars, living my life without telling straight people about who I really was, rejecting organized religion, supporting a woman's right to choose, being a Democrat and a feminist, enjoying modern art, and running from political involvement. It was my understanding that I would need to follow the code to acquire, and annually renew, my homosexual identity card. I was warned that even questioning the code could result in membership cancellation.

Prior to applying for membership, I had already independently embraced some of the code's components. I voted Democratic, advocated for a woman's right to choose, was well practiced at concealing my gay identity from straight people, and was a humanist. To be welcomed into the gay community, I then agreed to the remaining codes without question and was given my card.

Shortly after laminating my card, I decided to move back home to Cleveland. After returning, I learned that the terms for the Cleveland gay card were the same as Toledo's. Because I felt the need to be with other gay people, I agreed to the terms and was accepted into the fold.

Then things started to go wrong. My lifelong history of independent thinking and nonconformity resurfaced. I began to reject some of the cultural codes necessary to maintain my membership. I embraced being political, rejected the bar scene, became an enthusiastic member of a Unitarian Universalist church, and starting com-

ing out to as many straight people as would listen. Does this story sound familiar to some of you? It isn't unique. I am aware that many of you have had similar experiences. Some of you have attempted various forms of nonconformity, only to learn that your official group membership becomes endangered once you expose your code violations.

Yes, I refuse to conform, and so should you. Yes, I am still gay, and you will be too.

I believe that attempts to pigeon-hole each lesbian and gay person into a textbook set of finite characteristics is a way of keeping people in the closet. The message of "conformity or else" forces us to suppress our individuality as people, and sends a clear and steady message that we “community nonconformists" are "not okay."

The only commonalities that lesbian and gay people share, as a group, are that we love and are attracted to members of our own gender, and that we are psychologically, systematically, and institutionally oppressed. Beyond that, we differ greatly.

A mandatory definition of the "good" homosexual does nothing more than force those who choose to be who they are back into a new kind of closet: a closet out of which they can have a full view, but can't come out to participate.

So, be who you are. Love who want to. Live your life as you see fit. If you want to go into a bar or the baths, go. If you want to vote Republican, do it. If political involvement excites you, get involved. I'll slide you a key under the door so that you can come out and embrace your lesbian or gay identity, as well as your individuality.

Next issue: Is there any truth to the gay and lesbian stereotypes?

Mike Radice is a Cleveland psychologist.

JEFFREY J. GERHARDSTEIN L.I.S.W.A.C.C. Individual and Group Psychotherapy

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